To My Children- You are my Mirror

The day you were born I looked at you and saw myself in the mirror.

I saw what I was and what I wasn’t, what I had and what I lacked, what I wanted and what I wanted to get rid of in me – Your birth caused the true me to begin to arise.

I let you set the standard and tell me what you needed and when you needed it even when every Dr Spock book said otherwise.

You slept in my bed and I held you close because I knew that our time together would be a short blip in eternity and every moment together was precious

Your tears meant I had a job to do- to find out why they were there and to help you better communicate what your needs were.

When I yelled at you for not hurrying it was because I truly wanted to slow down and enjoy my day.

You didn’t continue with gymnastics or drums because I saw you hated it and I didn’t want you to live out my dream, just to find your own.

I wasn’t set off by you quitting something because the way I found me was by quitting those things that made me miserable and doing the things that I loved.

My need to control was seen in every temper tantrum, especially in the ones I had.

Loud voices that crushed your spirit and jagged words that cut your soul will forever be a mistake that I will need forgiveness for.

Many times punishment, discipline and consequences were my way of showing you who was The Boss- Sorry for not always letting natural consequences teach you. 

The craziness you witnessed was my way of dealing with my own frustrations, inadequacies, tiredness, lack of leadership and brokenness.

I didn’t put emphasis on marks, grades and tests because I didn’t want you to be more concerned with your mistakes than the fact that you were doing your best and that was good enough.

Sorry for the moments I seemed double minded but the world was telling me to make you a success and forgot to give me permission to recognize the true essence of who you are.

For every label that was placed in your pathway, rebellious, lazy, quitter, introvert, bully, ADHD, stupid, mean, bad, sick, I tried to erase them with love.

Whenever I let something or someone else seem more important than you, that was not truth. You have been one of my greatest treasures.

That day in the grocery store when I walked away from you screaming for the candy, I walked very slowly and my heart was calling for you to just understand.

When you took apart our lawn mower I wasn’t more concerned with what was broken than with the fact that your curiosity kept calling you to take things apart and then try to find ways to put them back together- maybe you had a engineers mind.

The reason your teachers kept reporting that you talk a lot during school time is because in my womb that was all you heard for 9 months and from the moment I hugged you into this world I have never stopped talking to you, relationship and communication is a vital part of your heritage.

My job was not to fix you but to fix me and in doing so give you a living example that people truly can change.

I vowed to be a better parent than the ones I had, not being conscious that they were the ones that damaged the tools I was supposed to use to mold and shape you with.

I hear you when you tell me that life is not fair and I am sorry for the times that I have had to reinforce this so you can become stronger, but you have definitely become stronger.

You are my future and the future is found in you, please forgive me for bringing my past into your present and withholding the possibilities of a brighter tomorrow.

I just want to love you and to help you become nothing more and nothing less than the person you were always meant to be.

When you spoke up and told me who you saw me or someone else being, I am sorry if I told you not to be rude and shut down your voice from being heard.

It is true that I am a hypocrite when I tell you to do one thing and then I do the opposite.

I have humbled myself to learn with you as a parent and I still don’t know everything.

Forgive me for betraying you by teaching you to listen to your inner voice and not hearing that voice until you screamed it out loud.

Remember to choose Relationship not Religion, Purpose not Career, Prosperity not Riches, Love and never Hate, Forgiveness not Revenge and embrace who you are in the process.

Every book I read to you was me giving and sharing one of my greatest loves with you.

I forgot that I don’t own you, you are your own person and what you do does not always reflect me, but everything I do does reflect you.

You have been my mirror and I have learned more about myself from parenting you. You each have been one of my greatest teachers

Thank you Mom