I saw what I was
and what I wasn’t, what I had and what I lacked, what I wanted and what I
wanted to get rid of in me – Your birth caused the true me to begin to arise.
I let you set
the standard and tell me what you needed and when you needed it even when every
Dr Spock book said otherwise.
You slept in my
bed and I held you close because I knew that our time together would be a short
blip in eternity and every moment together was precious
Your tears meant
I had a job to do- to find out why they were there and to help you better
communicate what your needs were.
When I yelled at
you for not hurrying it was because I truly wanted to slow down and enjoy my day.
You didn’t
continue with gymnastics or drums because I saw you hated it and I didn’t want
you to live out my dream, just to find your own.
I wasn’t set off
by you quitting something because the way I found me was by quitting those
things that made me miserable and doing the things that I loved.
My need to
control was seen in every temper tantrum, especially in the ones I had.
Loud voices that
crushed your spirit and jagged words that cut your soul will forever be a
mistake that I will need forgiveness for.
Many times
punishment, discipline and consequences were my way of showing you who was The
Boss- Sorry for not always letting natural consequences teach you.
The craziness
you witnessed was my way of dealing with my own frustrations, inadequacies,
tiredness, lack of leadership and brokenness.
I didn’t put
emphasis on marks, grades and tests because I didn’t want you to be more
concerned with your mistakes than the fact that you were doing your best and
that was good enough.
Sorry for the
moments I seemed double minded but the world was telling me to make you a
success and forgot to give me permission to recognize the true essence of who
you are.
For every label
that was placed in your pathway, rebellious, lazy, quitter, introvert, bully,
ADHD, stupid, mean, bad, sick, I tried to erase them with love.
Whenever I let
something or someone else seem more important than you, that was not truth. You
have been one of my greatest treasures.
That day in the
grocery store when I walked away from you screaming for the candy, I walked very
slowly and my heart was calling for you to just understand.
When you took
apart our lawn mower I wasn’t more concerned with what was broken than with the
fact that your curiosity kept calling you to take things apart and then try to
find ways to put them back together- maybe you had a engineers mind.
The reason your
teachers kept reporting that you talk a lot during school time is because in my
womb that was all you heard for 9 months and from the moment I hugged you into
this world I have never stopped talking to you, relationship and communication
is a vital part of your heritage.
My job was not
to fix you but to fix me and in doing so give you a living example that people
truly can change.
I vowed to be a
better parent than the ones I had, not being conscious that they were the ones
that damaged the tools I was supposed to use to mold and shape you with.
I hear you when
you tell me that life is not fair and I am sorry for the times that I have had
to reinforce this so you can become stronger, but you have definitely become
stronger.
You are my
future and the future is found in you, please forgive me for bringing my past
into your present and withholding the possibilities of a brighter tomorrow.
I just want to
love you and to help you become nothing more and nothing less than the person
you were always meant to be.
When you spoke
up and told me who you saw me or someone else being, I am sorry if I told you
not to be rude and shut down your voice from being heard.
It is true that I
am a hypocrite when I tell you to do one thing and then I do the opposite.
I have humbled
myself to learn with you as a parent and I still don’t know everything.
Forgive me for
betraying you by teaching you to listen to your inner voice and not hearing
that voice until you screamed it out loud.
Remember to choose
Relationship not Religion, Purpose not Career, Prosperity not Riches, Love and
never Hate, Forgiveness not Revenge and embrace who you are in the process.
Every book I
read to you was me giving and sharing one of my greatest loves with you.
I forgot that I
don’t own you, you are your own person and what you do does not always reflect
me, but everything I do does reflect you.
You have been my
mirror and I have learned more about myself from parenting you. You each have
been one of my greatest teachers
Thank you Mom
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