I was my own Drug Dealer

Now I know what your first thoughts must be when you read a title like this one but read on before you make any assumptions, judgments or refer to your already established preconceived ideas and beliefs about drug dealers.

I was a drug addict and I was addicted to the drug Fiorinal. It came in a pill form that is taken orally that contains butalbiltal, aspirin and caffeine.  It was prescribed for me by my heath care professional as I was a chronic migraine suffer. Now for those of you that have never suffered a migraine you may have some difficulty understanding how I could be a wife, a mother of three, professional business woman and a Christian leader and still become addicted to drugs. But if you have ever had one migraine or like myself suffered daily with a pain so excruciating that you thought your head would explode and that surely you had a bomb going off in your brain and this was it- your last moment on earth. Or at the least you felt like you wanted it to be. Then you will fully understand my story.

Now all drug addiction starts with one main ingredient- pain. You have some sort of pain and you want it to subside, go away or just be able to forget it for a while. My pain wasn’t just internal, it wasn’t imaginary, neither was it getting any better, as a matter of a fact it was getting worse and more frequent. Like every human being that suffers, I really just wanted it to stop. For many years I tried natural ways to handle the intensity of these headaches that were quite debilitating and most of the time I just suffered through the pain and became more resilient.

So when my doctor offered Fiorinal to me I thought about it and felt that the benefit to me would be worth any of the risks of the side effects. Never did I once imagine that becoming addicted would be a side effect.

This is what happened. The Fiorinal actual began to work. Whenever I felt an aura or the beginning of a migraine coming on I would take a Fiorinal and sometimes it wouldn’t go any further and if it did then it would just be a light headache and end very quickly. This was a miracle drug to me as I had suffered with migraines from a very young age and nothing had ever given me this type of result.

But then after renewing my prescription a few times I remember my husband asking me if I thought maybe I was taking too many of them. I became irritated and angry, I even suggested that he was more worried about all the money they were costing than he was about me. Yes as any drug addict can tell you money wasn’t an object to stop me from getting my next fix. Fiorinal was not cheap, it was pretty expensive but it was worth the relief or at least that was the lie I was telling myself so I could live supposedly pain free.

 In truth I had increased the dosage prescribed, I was taking it more frequently and even if I had a thought that my head might begin to hurt I popped in a pill. After some secret soul searching I had to admit to myself that I was addicted. But what was I going to do? I couldn’t go back to the pain.

In here lies the dilemma that every addict asks themselves- do I go back to the way it was? What do I do now? I was faced with the truth that I was addicted but felt powerless to stop. As I put the pros and cons on the scale to measure it was very imbalanced. The drugs were heavily winning. In my mind I needed these drugs to continue with life. Or did I?

I was brought back to my early childhood when I was a thumb sucker for comfort. Sucking my thumb was something I began as a baby in my crib all alone to soothe and comfort myself when no one was giving me love and affection. It continued into my childhood and even adolescence until I was 12 years old and my buck teeth began to protrude out. Then one day I just threw away the embroidered pillowcase that I used to scratch when I slept and sucked my thumb. I had tried everything to stop up until this point. I had put the most disgusting things on my thumb, wrapped it up at night, hid it under my pillow while I slept , but every morning when I woke up my thumb was still in my mouth. Then one day I just decided that I wasn’t ever going to suck my thumb again and I stopped. I never sucked my thumb ever again. Cold turkey is what they call it. I made a decision and I stuck to it.

That was what I would do now. So I fired myself as my own personal drug dealer. I flushed away all the pills I had left in the toilet and to this day have never taken another Fiorinal or other drug for the migraines. The withdrawal symptoms were difficult but I was determined to beat this addiction.  I was also willing to face the pain and instead of masking the hurt I would go on a search to find the root cause of why these headaches had such control in my life. I am glad to say that I am no longer a migraine sufferer but the way I received that miraculous healing is for another story.

  They now have a warning attached to Fiorinal -This medication may cause withdrawal reactions, especially if it has been used regularly for a long time or in high doses. In such cases, withdrawal symptoms (such as nausea/vomiting, mental/mood changes, seizures) may occur if you suddenly stop using this medication. Consult your doctor or pharmacist for more details, and report any withdrawal reactions immediately. Though very unlikely, abnormal drug-seeking behavior (addiction) is possible with this medication.

I really wish that this warning had been on the bottle I began using when this drug first arrived on the market. But then I wouldn’t have had the understanding or the courage to face the truth about the pain that I was experiencing that was the catalyst for these migraines. Truth comes to us in many ways and my prayer is always that no matter how difficult or painful the process, that aligning my life with Truth would be a foundational principle that I choose to live by. 

Truth and Reality- a story of depression and hope

I had just completed my third fashion show production under my company Charms Presentations and was in my hotel room at the Holiday Inn discussing  what had happened with my husband the following morning. The reviews were coming in and everyone was commenting how amazing the show was. It was flawless and they all loved it and though this was the answer I wanted to hear, I knew the truth. It was a disaster but only to those who could see behind the scenes. I had difficulty with the models, some of the clothing went missing, sales were low and I would have to financially cover the overage personally. In this very moment something inside me went still and I began a journey that would take me into my “pit” experience.

I am not quite sure exactly what happened but this I know – that the analogy of life being a fashion show and everyone only caring about what they saw on the outside and their perception of perfection being that everything they saw looked ok, triggered something in me to begin to deal with what the truth about what is really happening behind the scenes, in the wings.   I began to understand that success is measured in totality and truth not perception of reality.

I was living a lie. My life was all about the perception of reality and there were things in my life that were very wrong. I had lies I had told my self to just survive but now they were taking over and beginning to control me. I had begun a journey to deal with the truth.

I began to travel into a very dark place and after a while I found myself in what I now refer to as the “pit”.

This place is dark and lonely and desolate and cold and hard and you have no energy and you cry continually- some call it depression others have names to label it but all I know is that I was in a pit and I couldn’t do anything to get myself out. It was too deep and too wide and I was too tired and confused and overwhelmed and lost.

I gave up on everything – I was lost deep in myself. I stayed on my couch for days and couldn’t tend to anything, I struggled to do the very basic things, I couldn’t talk or pray or even the sight of my children caused me to cry. I had a new born infant during this time and this too may have been one of the reasons that I reached the precipice of the pit at this time. I was unable to bond with her and my mother instinct was dormant.

I knew I was in a bad way but my natural human instincts to pretend and get on with life were not working. I was facing truth and behind the scenes there was a mess. This mess was me.

I don’t know how long this went on for but it felt like months and years. But then one day when everything was really dark and I thought my life was over and I didn’t even care anymore then something amazing happened. I heard a voice deep in me telling me to grab His hand. I had heard so many voices during this time but this voice was different. The other voices were telling me that I was a failure, useless, a liar, I didn’t deserve to live. But this voice was sweet and gentle and strong and powerful and so full of Love and then I saw the hand. It was reaching down into “my pit” and offering me hope. I couldn’t believe that He would come this far for me and that He still loved me and wanted to rescue me. It took everything within me and all the strength I could find to grab a hold of that hand and let Him pull me up and out of that pit.

Now, I want to tell you that instantly everything was better, but in truth it was just the beginning. But  now I had hope.

I would hold onto that hand as a very lifeline as I daily began to find my way back from the distance that those lies had taken me to. I began to face the truth and speak out what was really happening and what I was experiencing and what I was struggling with. I began to tell shame and guilt that they were no longer welcome and that I was getting help from another source. Fear became my enemy and hope became my strength. Everyday I was becoming a little bit more … free. Free from the past, free from bondage of a reality that wasn’t based on truth, free from unhealthy relationships, free from letting the darkness overcome any light that was trying to shine through. I was letting Him pull me out of the pit.

Now I know I haven’t shared with you all the gory details of what happened in my counselling sessions, what steps did I take to become free and  I am sure you are wondering what were the lies she was believing? But none of those things really are the focus of what I am sharing with you. The reason I am telling this story is because I wanted to acknowledge my pit experience and let anyone out there know that your experience is real though it may be different than mine. You may feel like you are in a deep dark space or a wilderness, a desert, a dry place, or maybe locked in a cage, a jail or even feel like a slave or a prisoner, maybe you don’t even have words to describe where you are but I wanted you to know that there is someone who can help you. Listen to the voice that is extending His hand to you and let Him pull you out, lift you up, shine the light, unlock the door, give water to your soul. Let Him rescue you.

And then do the everyday work that may be hard sometimes, but is required to gain your freedom.

What you are experiencing is just the beginning of your journey from darkness to light, from pain to joy, from empty to full, from lies to truth and it can become glorious if you surrender and travel the path back from reality to truth.

I know you can do it – because I did.

From Tomb to Womb

There is a womb that will appear the moment someone enters the tomb, for out of death life will arise.

But you must resist a tomb appearing in your womb.

For those of you that are in a season of carrying a promise and are preparing to birth your future, you must resist the spirit of abortion that happens in the heart of death. It desires to render your hope dead and to release a spirit of disparity over your life.

You were created to bring forth life and to be a perpetual life source. The many wombs of the spirit and the wombs of this world are constantly creating, harvesting your seed, producing fruit and birthing life.

But death looms to carry you to the tomb. 

In your surrender to the source of all life is the creation of a womb. 

This is not a mystery under the sun or the moon. 

For your birthing process will happen very soon. 

If you surrender to death you will see nothing but doom.

But believe ...

Believe in the One who  entered the womb of this world to love,to live, to bring life, to die, be resurrected to conquer death and to live again to create the womb of the Spirit that all may enter to be born again.

Can you delete your ho-ness?

A few months ago I was talking with my oldest daughter and she asked me the strangest question. She was speaking on her cell phone with a group of friends that were having a social media conversation around the following question, “Can you delete your ho-ness”? 

I asked her what is “ho-ness”? 

She began to describe the way the conversation had begun, that they were discussing a female that they had all known in high school who was known back then as a “ho”. Supposedly she was now dating one of their friends and claimed that she no longer was the woman of her past.

I looked up the term from an urban dictionary/ ebonics type of slang and it says a ho is another name for whore, “  a woman who engages in promiscuous sexual intercourse, usually for money or personal gain; prostitute; harlot; strumpet. verb (used without object), whored, whoring, to act as a whore. A woman who uses her body or gives the impression that she will for material gain or to boost her own ego”.

So they were having a discussion about someone being able to just delete their “ho-ness”.

My daughter turned to me and seriously asked me this question once again and I immediately said yes. In that short moment I was reminded that when I was a teenager by definition I may have been described by others as a "ho". I became sexually promiscuous at a young age for many reasons. One of those being that I was sexually abused as a young girl and the other was having major daddy issues, causing me to be unable to discern the premature relationships I was in and thinking that lust and love were the same thing. But then something happened that deleted my  "ho-ness".

After a few more minutes of discussion that this girl was a serious ho not just your average ho and someone else making the statement “Once a ho… always a ho”. I couldn’t stay quiet even though this was a social media young person conversation. I began to explain loudly about the women in the Bible that had their "ho-ness" deleted by Jesus. 

These women were serious about promiscuity.

Imagine you were there with the woman caught in the very act of adultery. There were these men that had dragged her to Jesus so that he would condemn her to death according to the laws of the Torah. But they did not understand that he had come to delete her ho-ness.

There was the woman at the well who Jesus exposed by putting a prophetic mirror in front of her, telling her about her past, her present and the possibility of her future. Surely when their conversation was over her        ho-ness was completely deleted.

Mary Magdalene may be my favorite ho-  After he deleted her ho-ness she became a true follower of Jesus and is mentioned by name as one of the women that had the privilege of being at the tomb when Jesus was resurrected.   

In Jesus’ lineage there was a few women that others called a “ho” or harlot in biblical language and again they received the privilege of having their names mentioned in the Kingly genealogy. Women like Rahab and Ruth and Tamar who just pretended to be a ho to get her destiny fulfilled.

A few weeks later I was thinking about this interaction and I remembered something very significant and also funny. When my husband and myself had decided to get married we were new believers and did not really understand any Christianese language. We heard it preached and our Pastor teaching about “fornication” being sin but didn’t understand what it was. We were living together and already had a baby and never understood that you weren’t supposed to be having sex when you weren’t married. Whenever someone said that fornication was wrong we kept saying “Amen”, not getting that we were the people they were talking about!!  So when our Pastor taught us this in our marriage counselling we both decided to not have sex until we got married 5 months later. We prayed and asked God to forgive us and to re-virginize (our new word) us until our wedding day. This was not easy as we had lived together for 4 years but we believed that Jesus could delete our ho- ness.

26 years later of being a believer and I have seen the forgiveness of Jesus and the grace of God delete more than just ho- ness from so many people. Drug dealers, liars, thieves, alcoholics, addicts, fornicators, adulterers, prostitutes, murderers, prisoners and demoniacs all transformed. So I  had to share that I am  a firm believer that today you can delete your ho ness , clean your slate, re-virginize, erase your past and have a fresh start, cause Jesus came to delete our ho-ness.

Oil and Water Rainbow

I am a person that believes that messages are all around us and that when we are conscious of what is happening to us inside and outward then we can "read" these messages a lot clearer.  

Yesterday I was meditating on the fact that my new used van that was given to me by my spiritual father is leaking oil and that to be able to drive it (until I get it fixed) I have to make sure that I check the level of the oil consistently and top up the oil container so that it does not go dry and ruin my engine, If this happens then I no longer will have a  mode of transportation to get me to where I need to be. I was also parking in one specific area each night as this is when the oil would leak and each morning I could see the stain of oil that had drained throughout the night as a reminder as I drove away. Now this became a consistent thought always in the back of my mind as I drove the van only to places of necessity and limited my other travel until I could get a mechanic to fix the issue.

 So as I began to ask myself what I was learning about this I had revelation of two things; first something was causing a leakage in my life. There were things that were being stolen from me in subtle ways that was not allowing me to stay filled up and to run efficiently and effectively. I was being drained and having to constantly fill up and be concerned about ultimately being shut down. 

Secondly I was learning about the power of staying filled. My mechanic explained to me that my vehicle only drains oil when it is not moving. You see when the van is in motion the oil is taken out of the pan and distributed though out all of the parts including the engine to keep it running. The oil was being used for its intended purpose and this was "good". But when the van was parked and everything cooled down the oil would settle in the pan again where there was a hole that was causing the oil to slowly but steadily seep out to the ground below. I kept having to buy more oil and keep a supply on hand as everyday was another emergency and I couldn't trust that I would have enough oil to even get me to a store where I could buy more and fill up again. I was sad for the waste but in the end I was happy for the lesson. 

When I am being used for my intended purpose I stay filled and this is "good" and how God intended it to be when He created me and put me on this earth. But when I have things in my life that cause the "good" to seep out and suck me dry this is not so good, I have to work twice as hard to stay filled, to accomplish my purpose and this even slows me down as fear causes me to park myself and not venture to travel too far, for too long. After meditating on this I repented to the Lord and asked Him to help me to make getting the van fixed a priority as it was a gift from Him. 

I began to think about this in terms of other people and pondered about how many people are leaking physically, emotionally, spiritually, and even socially? They are running on dry and many have even shut down and parked and have no oil to start up again. There engines have ceased up from improper usage. There vehicle is broken and needs fixing. They are leaving stains everywhere. 


Wow! one little oil spill taught me all that. Well it doesn't end there, today it began to rain and as the
water mixed with oil spot on the street where I park each night, something amazing happened. A rainbow formed on the ground.  I looked at it as it began to spread over my street I was near tears thinking of the goodness of God. My mistake and my lack of whatever, when mixed with the water of His words remind me of the promise of God to His people. He can take my lessons , my mistakes, my imperfections, my lack and make something beautiful out of it. This truth was seared on my heart again. My life may sometimes seem like a series of blotched, screw ups as I am sure you may have felt once in a while, but when I remind myself of what His words say then every mistake is made into a rainbow of promise.

So today remember, there is no rainbow without rain, no joy without sorrow, no peace without pain, no love without hate, no good without bad, no up without down, no filled without empty.
Let him change it for you today

 Note*  - In symbolic terms oil is a metaphor for the anointing or Holy Spirit  and water is a symbol for the word of God 

Charmaine  November 2015 

My Love Affair

The more I think about it the more I can’t remember. I’m not really sure the moment that it began, or exactly how I got here, I can’t figure out what happened or which pathway led me to this point and conclusion but I am sure of this one thing… I am in love with WORDS!

Maybe it began when I was a small infant and I realized that with my first spoken words there was an instant reaction of delight and joy from others.  It could have been just the way my parents responded to my simple collection of words as a young girl, as I arranged them in my mind to begin to understand the new world that I was living in or as a teenager when I was able to use my words to express all the hidden feelings and emotions that were causing much inner conflict. Whenever it started I just know this one thing, WORDS captured me and mesmerized me and made me feel alive and full of joy.

I am and always will be a talker. Don’t be mistaken I am not your average everyday person that loves to talk, I am an extremely radical, wake up in the morning talking and don’t stop all day, even if I have to talk to myself kind of talker. Statistics say that the average person says 50, 000 words each day to themselves, well I say 500, 000. This is all because of my relationship with WORDS.

I love the way that WORDS roll off my tongue and wrap themselves around another person’s  ear and cause them to locate their own words of response and then the conversation begins as the words intertwine this beautiful thing of communication and understanding develops and begins to blossom. I find this to be one of my greatest joys in life as I open myself up and share my words with another living human being. I have purposely chosen to speak daily to the universe and use words to declare and decree what I believe or desire to see manifest.

In the Bible it says that “the WORD became flesh and dwelt among us”   The idea and concept of this excites me and as I read the words of Jesus my heart skips a beat as I underline and highlight certain words that reach out and grab my attention. Words like believe, faith, love, joy and heart are all circled in multiple colors in my personal bible. I love the way that the logos or written words become rhema or living words to me as I receive a new revelation that promises to transform the way I think and the thoughts that are constantly swirling in my mind. My mind is forever full of words that I have embraced and that have transformed into my beliefs that have eventually become me. I love these words that have made me who I am.

Words can be dangerous like swords or soft like feathers, they can harm or they can soothe, it all depends on how we choose to use them. I love the great power and strength I have found in my affair with words. If I choose my words wisely and not let them escape before their time they will become a cultivated treasure that no one can steal away.

 I love words so much that I have them inscribed on my walls, hidden in secret places for me to daily discover, printed on scented candles, cups, plaques and painted on canvas with unusual creativity. WORDS jump out at me when I go to my kitchen, bathroom, bedroom, laundry room, living room and even when I open the front closet as I exit out the front door. They creep up on me and cause me to remember a familiar memory.

My bookcase is one of my greatest furniture acquisition as it is a five tier shelved beauty that holds a multitude of amazing books of learning, inspiration, memory, history, language, and general interest. There are authors of all genres, ages, concepts and ideas represented in this seven by three feet  use of space. I love each individual book because they contain words that I have held dear.  These are the words that I have allowed to enter my mind, my thoughts, my heart and my life. They still whisper  to me as I remember how they delicately touched me.

I sneak away in the middle of the day and meditate over WORDS, I purse my lips and receive a kiss from the WORDS of life that leave my mouth, I rendezvous in the most elaborate places with books and phrases and spoken thoughts all to get a feeling of sensation as WORDS love on me and I love on them.

When I hold WORDS in my hands and smell the fragrance of the pages as they turn there is an emotion that is both nostalgic and futuristic. As I romantically unite with every person that has universally read or will ever read these words as they serenely float around softly in the atmosphere.

I am made of WORDS and words are shaping me as I write, words are allowing me to connect with people in all spheres of influence, in many different parts of the world, words are revealing my travels, my future desires, words are my friends, my family , my lover. 

I am in a love affair with WORDS.

The sign of a Good Mother

I have recently begun my certification as a Labour and Bereavement Doula and had the privilege of using this profession in my volunteer work at Vanier Correctional facility. I had volunteered at Vanier teaching Inspirational dance to the women for 5 years and was transitioning to help the many pregnant inmates in Vanier so that no incarcerated mother would have to birth alone. Being a mother of 5 children and having been an unofficially Doula for numerous family and friends for the past 20 years was an added benefit.

One of my first clients was a beautiful young First Nations woman who was pregnant with her first child. I was told by the case worker and the NILO on staff that this unborn infant had FAS (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome) and the ultrasound showed that it was missing limbs and would most likely die shortly after birth due to the many harmful defects. The mother had even gone into liver failure during her pregnancy due to excessive abuse of alcohol.
Due to this and among other factors her baby was going into the custody of CAS (Children Aid Society) as soon as it was born.

These circumstances were discouraging to me as I began to visit with this young woman to give her emotional support and childbirth information to prepare her for birthing her baby within custody.
We began to pray for her baby and that it would be born perfect and also for her emotional well-being having to release her baby 24 hrs after giving birth.

As I do with all of my clients I had encouraged her to give everything that she could to her unborn infant even while she was in custody.
So she took a prenatal class with me to help her with the pregnancy, labor and delivery.  We created a birth wish list stating her choices for a healthy natural labor and delivery.  She even decided to breastfeed her baby right after birth to give the baby the colostrum that it needed.
In her ninth month she was given another ultrasound and it came back with the baby in perfect health. We rejoiced at this miracle and prepared ourselves for the difficult delivery and release of this baby. She also found out that it was a boy.

At first she was unhappy that her baby was going to be with foster parents and that she would be coming back to the correctional facility fairly soon after giving birth, but she was learning different coping strategies to deal with the stress and seemed to be doing okay.
During this time I learned from her social worker that she was also in an abusive destructive relationship and this was compounding the reason that CAS was not willing to release her infant into family care.
I spoke to her about her situation and asked if she would be willing to do everything to be able to keep her baby and she seemed compliant but yet still hesitant. They were requiring her to enter a long term treatment facility after her release and also that she sever all ties with her boyfriend.
As we began to talk further I learned that in reality she was not willing to comply with the terms set out in the agreement to keep her baby and that she was considering adoption.

Needless to say as a prison Doula my job was not  to have emotional baggage about the choices and situations that our clients face, but to fully support them through the childbirth process with the outcome of healthy mother, healthy baby- awesome birth!

I did just that and watched as this baby was born healthy and this mother gave of herself selflessly, through eleven hours of labor, birth , breastfeeding, babies first bath, diaper changes, dressing in new clothes and blanket for the taking of photos as final memories.

She would love on this baby right up till the moment that the guards removed her from the hospital back to the correctional facility and CAS came and took her baby to be with foster parents,  We both had such a peace during this entire ordeal and when she signed the papers for the baby to be adopted I knew that this was her being a good mother.

It brought me back to a passage in 1 Kings 3: 16-22 where two mothers come to King Solomon to settle a dispute about one of their babies that had died throughout the night. Both mothers claimed that the remaining baby was theirs and in his wisdom to help make the decision King Solomon says that he would take a sword and cut the remaining baby in half and each mother can have half of the baby. On hearing this decision the true mother not wanting any harm to come to her infant, decides to give the baby to the other woman, This act of selflessness is the evidence of a good mother. Solomon returns the living child to the rightful mother.

Adoption many times is this same selfless act of knowing that to keep the child you may do it more harm than good and to give it away would take the love of a good mother. You would rather lose your baby than make it a half of a what it should really be entitled to. In making this very difficult decision you are in fact acting like a true mother, who always has the best interest of her child before her own.

My first prison birth would teach me an invaluable lesson and a few days later help me to pray for a Christian couple that after many years of infertility had recently adopted an infant and  during the 7 day required waiting period the young single birth mother would change her mind and take the baby back to live with her. This couple was grieving the loss of this decision and as I began to pray for them this same story would come flooding back to my mind. Miraculously a month later she too would decide to become a good mother and do what she felt was best not for her but for the well- being, safety and security of her infant baby, This couple would be allowed to parent this child because a mother again would surrender her rights and release her baby into what she felt was best.

I had begun a winding unpredictable journey with many new lessons to be learned and experienced as I received a complete paradigm shift about what a good mother really is.