FROZEN

I was frozen. I was stuck and couldn’t not move or talk or think.  He was on top of me and after a few minutes of struggle where he was overpowering me physically some internal instinct of survival told me to stop wrestling and accept the inevitable and live to tell the story by just staying still, by staying frozen.

This was the story of my rape. (Rape is unlawful sexual activity and usually sexual intercourse carried out forcibly or under threat of injury against the will usually of a female or with a person who is beneath a certain age or incapable of valid consent)

I was 17 years old and dating the star basketball player at a rival school. He was tall and good looking and all the girls were crazy for him. We began going out and he seemed to be a nice enough guy. He took me on a few dates and that summer was looking like it would be a lot of fun.

That same summer a friend of my mother had given me a house sitting job while she was away visiting her family in Jamaica. She lived on the 10^th floor of our building and she asked me to weekly get her mail, water her plants and dust her furniture.

I made the mistake of telling my new “ boyfriend” that I was doing this job and  he came up with a great way for us to spend some private time together. He would meet me on the 10^th floor during one of my visits and we could be together. Now I wasn’t a virgin I had lost my virginity and had sex already with a previous boyfriend but I was not planning on having sex with a guy I had just begun to date. I had the thought that we would kiss and hug and maybe fool around, but I made a foolish mistake as we didn’t have any discussion about this.

So he arrived at the apartment and I let him in and he watched while I did the chores and then we began to fool around like young teenagers do. I don’t know when it changed for him but I remember when it changed for me. There was this one moment when I began to feel like I wasn’t comfortable anymore and I tried to move off the couch. He grabbed my hand pulled me down and before I knew what happened he was lying on top of me and I began to tell him that I wanted him to stop and I writhed my body underneath his and tried to move my position and instantly realized that this 6 foot 2 tall guy had me pinned down like we were in a wrestling match.

I asked him to get off me a few times nicely and softly , maybe I wasn’t stern enough  as I fought to remove him off of me and then it happened, I froze. As he continued to quickly remove my clothes and began to have sex with me I became as stiff as a board and went into survival mode. This was a learned behavior from my days as a young girl when my stepfather would sexually abuse me at night. I would leave my body and my mind behind and go somewhere else so that I could cope with life when he was finished. And now this coping mechanism was failing me at a time when I could have and would have screamed, punched and told this guy to get the hell off of me. I was frozen and didn’t have the skills to do anything.

When it was all over I was like a robot and my memory now fails me as to what happened next. All I remember was the next day him trying to call me and me not ever wanting to talk to him again. I never did.  I told my best friend what happened and cried for two days about how stupid I had been and that this guy was an over privileged jock that felt that he had a right to treat young women like pieces of flesh and not like l was a real person. Needless to say many of my female friends were shocked that I had let a good looking catch like him get away. How could I share with them that he had left me… “frozen”.

This is similar to the story Frozen by Disney of Elsa’s response to a traumatic event – She caused everything around her to become frozen.

I have since dealt with the pain of this incident in my counselling sessions about my sexual abuse and have many years ago disabled the frozen mechanism within that had helped me to cope with some of the most horrible memories that I had experienced in my life.  Yet I still wonder what would have happened to me if I had chosen some different tools that others use to deal with this type of abuse. Many turn to drugs, alcohol, withdrawal, sexual promiscuity and other means just to live another day. So in some ways I hated being frozen but this state of being actually helped me to get to the very moment in my life when I could be thawed and warmed by love. I may never know what would have taken place had I been able to make some other choices but that isn’t my story and it isn’t my ending. I have since forgiven that young teenage boy full of hormones and ideas about what sex was like. I have also forgiven myself for yielding to a frozen state of being.

Gods plan for me was never that I become frozen and locked in a tower trying to stay away from those that can hurt me or those I may possibly hurt back. I was made to have a heart of flesh and to use the power of love to release my voice to speak, to be heard and not to allow vulnerable situations to render me powerless.

Maybe you have never experienced a situation like this or maybe you have, my message to you is that survival isn’t the only way to live life. God has a bigger plan so don’t stay frozen or numb. Don’t let shame, pity, guilt, anger, vengeance, frustrations, flashbacks, triggers or any other kind of abuse render you immobilized and unable to live.  Use that energy and force for good and channel all the love in the world towards yourself.

Like the famous song out of the Frozen movie it is time to just “Let it go”.

I was my own Drug Dealer

Now I know what your first thoughts must be when you read a title like this one but read on before you make any assumptions, judgments or refer to your already established preconceived ideas and beliefs about drug dealers.

I was a drug addict and I was addicted to the drug Fiorinal. It came in a pill form that is taken orally that contains butalbiltal, aspirin and caffeine.  It was prescribed for me by my heath care professional as I was a chronic migraine suffer. Now for those of you that have never suffered a migraine you may have some difficulty understanding how I could be a wife, a mother of three, professional business woman and a Christian leader and still become addicted to drugs. But if you have ever had one migraine or like myself suffered daily with a pain so excruciating that you thought your head would explode and that surely you had a bomb going off in your brain and this was it- your last moment on earth. Or at the least you felt like you wanted it to be. Then you will fully understand my story.

Now all drug addiction starts with one main ingredient- pain. You have some sort of pain and you want it to subside, go away or just be able to forget it for a while. My pain wasn’t just internal, it wasn’t imaginary, neither was it getting any better, as a matter of a fact it was getting worse and more frequent. Like every human being that suffers, I really just wanted it to stop. For many years I tried natural ways to handle the intensity of these headaches that were quite debilitating and most of the time I just suffered through the pain and became more resilient.

So when my doctor offered Fiorinal to me I thought about it and felt that the benefit to me would be worth any of the risks of the side effects. Never did I once imagine that becoming addicted would be a side effect.

This is what happened. The Fiorinal actual began to work. Whenever I felt an aura or the beginning of a migraine coming on I would take a Fiorinal and sometimes it wouldn’t go any further and if it did then it would just be a light headache and end very quickly. This was a miracle drug to me as I had suffered with migraines from a very young age and nothing had ever given me this type of result.

But then after renewing my prescription a few times I remember my husband asking me if I thought maybe I was taking too many of them. I became irritated and angry, I even suggested that he was more worried about all the money they were costing than he was about me. Yes as any drug addict can tell you money wasn’t an object to stop me from getting my next fix. Fiorinal was not cheap, it was pretty expensive but it was worth the relief or at least that was the lie I was telling myself so I could live supposedly pain free.

 In truth I had increased the dosage prescribed, I was taking it more frequently and even if I had a thought that my head might begin to hurt I popped in a pill. After some secret soul searching I had to admit to myself that I was addicted. But what was I going to do? I couldn’t go back to the pain.

In here lies the dilemma that every addict asks themselves- do I go back to the way it was? What do I do now? I was faced with the truth that I was addicted but felt powerless to stop. As I put the pros and cons on the scale to measure it was very imbalanced. The drugs were heavily winning. In my mind I needed these drugs to continue with life. Or did I?

I was brought back to my early childhood when I was a thumb sucker for comfort. Sucking my thumb was something I began as a baby in my crib all alone to soothe and comfort myself when no one was giving me love and affection. It continued into my childhood and even adolescence until I was 12 years old and my buck teeth began to protrude out. Then one day I just threw away the embroidered pillowcase that I used to scratch when I slept and sucked my thumb. I had tried everything to stop up until this point. I had put the most disgusting things on my thumb, wrapped it up at night, hid it under my pillow while I slept , but every morning when I woke up my thumb was still in my mouth. Then one day I just decided that I wasn’t ever going to suck my thumb again and I stopped. I never sucked my thumb ever again. Cold turkey is what they call it. I made a decision and I stuck to it.

That was what I would do now. So I fired myself as my own personal drug dealer. I flushed away all the pills I had left in the toilet and to this day have never taken another Fiorinal or other drug for the migraines. The withdrawal symptoms were difficult but I was determined to beat this addiction.  I was also willing to face the pain and instead of masking the hurt I would go on a search to find the root cause of why these headaches had such control in my life. I am glad to say that I am no longer a migraine sufferer but the way I received that miraculous healing is for another story.

  They now have a warning attached to Fiorinal -This medication may cause withdrawal reactions, especially if it has been used regularly for a long time or in high doses. In such cases, withdrawal symptoms (such as nausea/vomiting, mental/mood changes, seizures) may occur if you suddenly stop using this medication. Consult your doctor or pharmacist for more details, and report any withdrawal reactions immediately. Though very unlikely, abnormal drug-seeking behavior (addiction) is possible with this medication.

I really wish that this warning had been on the bottle I began using when this drug first arrived on the market. But then I wouldn’t have had the understanding or the courage to face the truth about the pain that I was experiencing that was the catalyst for these migraines. Truth comes to us in many ways and my prayer is always that no matter how difficult or painful the process, that aligning my life with Truth would be a foundational principle that I choose to live by. 

Ugly Duckling Beautiful Swan

Last year I had a pivotal moment in my life. I was at a conference and the guest speaker called me out and spoke to me about being an ugly duckling and about the jealousy and conflict I had to endure all my life because of my beauty and that it was now time for me to begin to call forth my tribe and then and only then would I feel like I truly belonged.

Now I consider myself by the world’s standards a fairly beautiful woman. Even at 47 I am still very youthful looking. I was a model as a young woman and if I wanted to I could model again. I have hazel eyes, light clear skin, full lips and long thick hair.  I am tall, thin and these attributes meet a lot of the standards for outward beauty. Not to mention I have learned the amazing magic tricks of proper makeup application and finding the right clothes for my own personal style.

Yet as I heard these words I had a distinct memory flashback. As a young girl I was unique in my looks, I was mixed race, hazel/green eyes, large lips, fuzzy thick curly hair, I had an awful over bite, was tall and skinny for my age and all of this attracted a lot of attention- good and bad. All of these attributes were just underdeveloped and in time would become some my best features. In addition to this my single mother was unfortunately living in poverty so my clothes weren’t fancy and designer. So I considered myself an ugly duckling. I didn’t feel like I fit into my circumstances, my family and due to certain abuse issues, even my life.

 For those of you that are not aware of the story of the ugly duckling it tells of a homely little bird born in a barnyard who suffers abuse from the others around him until, much to his delight (and to the surprise of others), he matures into a beautiful swan, the most beautiful bird of all. The story is beloved around the world as a tale about personal transformation for the better.

As I seriously pondered this I couldn’t believe that I had forgotten that I used to feel like I was an ugly duckling as a child and even as a young teenager. It was because of the amazing changes that had happened within me over the years why I didn’t even remember this. I felt beautiful! No one that knew me now would even have any idea that I once felt this way. I even had to call my sister to clarify some of the memories that were coming back to me.

Truly the love of God had transformed me into the beautiful woman I was on the inside and I allowed that to be seen now on the outside. And greater than this I began not to care if others saw the beauty in me or not. I knew I was beautiful and of value and that was enough. I walked in this confidence and that was what was beautiful to so many people.

But these words were touching another area of my life. Deep inside I had always felt like I didn’t belong. My thoughts and beliefs were different than my family, my husband, my church and others, I have always felt so unique and this had a huge effect on me. It took me 47 years to become comfortable with my identity and who God made me. To be able to say “I don’t have to change me- I like me!”

This word from this speaker was from God, It was for me to give me hope. I was going to encounter my Tribe, my Karass, that group of people that were called to the same purpose as I. After this my inner beacon began to send out a signal calling out for the ones in the world that were just like me. I was now ready to attract the right type of people that would help reinforce who I am by being a mirror for me. This was Gods design. Ducks and Swans are different and Swans don’t grow well in barnyards trying to become Ducks. It is possible but in the end the Swan flourishes best in the company and environment that was always meant for Swans.

So if you are reading this and maybe you have been living in a barnyard, or you keep seeing Swans and know that though your time of maturity has not yet arrived, that you are in actuality one of us or maybe like myself you have had insecurities about your looks and your purpose because you know you are definitely not just like everyone else. Whatever the situation, circumstance or emotional state you find yourself in I would like to call forth your inner Swan to the place where we swim, Join us in the place where we are free and full of grace. Finally, for all of you ugly ducklings, JUST WAIT… you are being transformed into a Beautiful Swan.

Lead Me to that Place of Wide Open Space

I believe that we learn about life not just from formal education but also from our everyday life interaction. There are lessons to be learned through nature, relationships and daily observations, if we just tune ourselves into the multiple messages being spoken to us every day. My husband and I were travelling to an appointment when all of sudden there seemed to be traffic. He noticed that we were being funneled and channeled into one lane and this bottleneck was the cause of us slowing down and delaying us to get to our desired destination on time.

In his frustration he asked more to himself but still out loud “Why is the road only one lane on such a busy street?”  As I surveyed the area more thoroughly I realized that they were expanding the road and that to do so they had to contain the lanes so they could have enough room for the expansion process. They were going from two lanes to four lanes but before that they had to go to only one lane. As I shared this out loud I also said “So everyone has to go through a small space and the inconvenience for a short time so that later there would be a larger space after the work is completed”.

 My husband got a hold of this internally and with me being a Doula he gave an example that really resonated with me.  He said “It's kind of like when a baby is being born, they start off small and then they grow until they fill the space and then they go through a small space (birthing canal) to be able to come out to the world which is a much wider space”

 This spoken revelation was awesome because it spoke about how growth happens in many areas in our lives. As human beings we all usually get frustrated when we feel we are being slowed down or channeled in any given area. It may be happening in our business, personal life or even spiritual growth.  When sometimes in actuality what truly is occurring is the “growth expansion process”.   For us to be able to come out into wide-open spaces sometimes we have to go through a narrow space so for a time we may feel confined as we prepare to be birthed into something much bigger. This uneasy, unfamiliar, messy, uncomfortable and sometimes even painful place may cause many of us to want to make a U-turn or even plan an easy exit route. But there is a purpose in the process! A plan in the pain!  A destiny in the delay!  We must begin to trust that we will get to our destination on time and that there is a reason for what we are going through.

There are now proven studies that children that are brought into the world by C-section, which is sometimes a short cut into the world, though may sometimes be necessary, may start life with insufficient intestinal bacteria flora (microbiomes). These bacteria are known to play a part in protecting children from developing allergies and children who lack them may be at higher risk of other health problems.

During a regular vaginal birth infants come in contact with a rich dose of their mother’s bacteria as they are pressed through the birth canal. C-section babies don’t get this exposure, which is likely to be vital in developing the immune system and helping it to mature.

When we relate this process to our everyday life we see that even the things we don’t understand while we are going through this tight confined space that they will eventually help to make us stronger and more immune when we come out into the bigger wider open spaces. If we do not struggle or resist, or try to circumvent the process no matter how difficult it may seem. If we yield, resist the fear and just let nature take its course, then and only then will we enter the other side from one lane to four lanes of wide open space and freedom.

Upgrade 8.0 (New Beginning)

This past week I was trying to upload a new app to my I phone and was unable to because it required me to upgrade my phone to the new 8.0 iOS. Now I had been avoiding upgrading my phone for almost a year because I was unsure and afraid that I would lose some of my contacts, music and information and secondly I was really comfortable now with my 6.0 and didn't want to have to relearn the new way things would be done.

But this new app was apart of the new thing God was doing in my life and I needed it on my phone. So I decided to just do it. After saying yes to the upgrade I waited anxiously as it installed to see if I would lose anything. I had previously synced my phone to my computer and also to “The CLOUD”( whatever and wherever that is?) and just prayed that everything would be ok.   

After about 45 minutes my phone came back on looking brighter, newer and unfamiliar to me. I took a deep breath and began to explore the great unknown once more. I now was in the upgrade world of 8.0.

My contacts were there, my apps were there and my music was there. I began to wonder what the big fuss was all about. There were a few things that I didn't know how to do and I just asked a friend who had upgraded their phone and in minutes I was doing the “new thing”.

Well I had to prepare for a workshop that I was doing and I went into my music and nothing would play. It was there but I was unable to access it. After some panic and a few deep breaths I calmed down and realized that maybe I need to sync my phone to my computer again to activate everything. So I plugged in my USB cord and pressed SYNC. Then my phone came up with a message that said TRUST / DON’T TRUST this computer. I tapped TRUST as I knew the source and wanted to have the connection. This Icon would reappear a few times as I tried various attempts to sync but nothing happened. So I continually kept tapping the TRUST button. After going to the help section a message came to me that my computer needed to be upgraded to a higher iOS to be able to sync with my newly upgraded phone.

So again I went into trust mode as I upgraded my computer to 12.0.

Then the syncing began. It was a slow process as my phone now shared information and received information from my computer and “The CLOUD”.  Every few minutes my phone would power down and the TRUST/DON’T TRUST this computer box would pop up and I just kept tapping TRUST.

Then God began to speak.

Many of us have received a call to upgrade 8.0. But due to fear of the unknown and fear that we may lose some of what we have already gained we have procrastinated to install the upgrade. The upgrade works out some of the bugs in our system, it improves they way we do things and it adds some new features that are really cool.

But even though we receive and install the upgrade we also need to sync ourselves BODY, SPIRIT, MIND and SOUL. We need to allow “the CLOUD” to download all the new information necessary to enable us to RUN this new programming.  We don’t need to fear we need to allow the SYNC and to TRUST the process.

After this my music slowly came back onto my phone along with a few other things that I was unaware that were unable to function until the SYNCing. Then my ICLOUD account asked me for my password.

I put my old password which was “Dancerlady”. It rejected it and told me that I needed to create a new one. The RESET button now appeared. This was another message to me that when you upgrade to 8.0 you cant access “The CLOUD” in the same manner. You need to reset your access code. So I changed it to the new business name.

Now I was ready for the new thing God was doing. Incidentally the number 8 is the number for new beginnings.

Go ahead today and receive your upgrade to 8.0!!!

Charmaine Hinds

www.wordofspiritandtruth.blogspot.com

The Bouncy Ball Theory

How many times have you failed and a good thing came out of it?                                               
I would like to encourage you not to fall and go splat! Just get ready and bounce back

Use the energy or exertion of falling or being thrown down to cause you to spring in a direction that you want to go in. This is called intent-full energy.

If you learn how to become a bouncer you will not only learn how to bounce back but to also begin to spring off of other things to get you to the location that you desire. You will begin to become a person that things just don’t stick to.

Let certain things bounce off of you as you refuse to accept unacceptable things and start sending them back. Don’t accept rejection, failure, not feeling lovable or even dis-honor, let it bounce off of you.

Remember that God put you together and He knew what you would go through, every circumstance and situation. He put inside of you everything you would need to make sure that you could bounce back. Trust that today.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future Jeremiah 29:11

I love the stories by A.A. Milne of Winnie the Pooh but my favorite character is not Pooh bear, it is Tigger. Tigger had a great attitude, he was positive and did the one thing that I believe most of us need to do -bounce around in life!

This excerpt is taken  from The Bouncy Ball Theory Booklet by Charmaine Hinds