I had just completed my third fashion show production under
my company Charms Presentations and was in my hotel room at the Holiday Inn
discussing what had happened with my husband the following morning. The reviews
were coming in and everyone was commenting how amazing the show was. It was
flawless and they all loved it and though this was the answer I wanted to hear,
I knew the truth. It was a disaster but only to those who could see behind the
scenes. I had difficulty with the models, some of the clothing went missing,
sales were low and I would have to financially cover the overage personally. In
this very moment something inside me went still and I began a journey that
would take me into my “pit” experience.
I am not quite sure exactly what happened but this I know –
that the analogy of life being a fashion show and everyone only caring about
what they saw on the outside and their perception of perfection being that
everything they saw looked ok, triggered something in me to begin to deal with what the
truth about what is really happening behind the scenes, in the wings. I began to understand that success is
measured in totality and truth not perception of reality.
I was living a lie. My life was all about the perception of
reality and there were things in my life that were very wrong. I had lies I had
told my self to just survive but now they were taking over and beginning to
control me. I had begun a journey to deal with the truth.
I began to travel into a very dark place and after a while I
found myself in what I now refer to as the “pit”.
This place is dark and lonely and desolate and cold and hard
and you have no energy and you cry continually- some call it depression others
have names to label it but all I know is that I was in a pit and I couldn’t do
anything to get myself out. It was too deep and too wide and I was too tired
and confused and overwhelmed and lost.
I gave up on everything – I was lost deep in myself. I
stayed on my couch for days and couldn’t tend to anything, I struggled to do
the very basic things, I couldn’t talk or pray or even the sight of my children
caused me to cry. I had a new born infant during this time and this too may
have been one of the reasons that I reached the precipice of the pit at this
time. I was unable to bond with her and my mother instinct was dormant.
I knew I was in a bad way but my natural human instincts to
pretend and get on with life were not working. I was facing truth and behind
the scenes there was a mess. This mess was me.
I don’t know how long this went on for but it felt like
months and years. But then one day when everything was really dark and I
thought my life was over and I didn’t even care anymore then something amazing
happened. I heard a voice deep in me telling me to grab His hand. I had heard
so many voices during this time but this voice was different. The other voices
were telling me that I was a failure, useless, a liar, I didn’t deserve to
live. But this voice was sweet and gentle and strong and powerful and so full
of Love and then I saw the hand. It was reaching down into “my pit” and
offering me hope. I couldn’t believe that He would come this far for me and
that He still loved me and wanted to rescue me. It took everything within me
and all the strength I could find to grab a hold of that hand and let Him pull
me up and out of that pit.
Now, I want to tell you that instantly everything was
better, but in truth it was just the beginning. But now I had hope.
I would hold onto that hand as a very lifeline as I daily
began to find my way back from the distance that those lies had taken me to. I
began to face the truth and speak out what was really happening and what I was
experiencing and what I was struggling with. I began to tell shame and guilt
that they were no longer welcome and that I was getting help from another
source. Fear became my enemy and hope became my strength. Everyday I was
becoming a little bit more … free. Free from the past, free from bondage of a
reality that wasn’t based on truth, free from unhealthy relationships, free
from letting the darkness overcome any light that was trying to shine through. I
was letting Him pull me out of the pit.
Now I know I haven’t shared with you all the gory details of
what happened in my counselling sessions, what steps did I take to become free
and I am sure you are wondering what
were the lies she was believing? But none of those things really are the focus
of what I am sharing with you. The reason I am telling this story is because I
wanted to acknowledge my pit experience and let anyone out there know that your experience is real though it may be different than mine. You may feel like
you are in a deep dark space or a wilderness, a desert, a dry place, or maybe locked in a cage, a
jail or even feel like a slave or a prisoner, maybe you don’t even have words
to describe where you are but I wanted you to know that there is someone who
can help you. Listen to the voice that is extending His hand to you and let Him
pull you out, lift you up, shine the light, unlock the door, give water to your
soul. Let Him rescue you.
And then do the everyday work that may be hard sometimes,
but is required to gain your freedom.
What you are experiencing is just the beginning of your
journey from darkness to light, from pain to joy, from empty to full, from lies
to truth and it can become glorious if you surrender and travel the path back
from reality to truth.
I know you can do it – because I did.
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