Transition To Triumph

The world operates in cycles. The ocean has a tide that comes in and out and then repeats itself. The moon has a 30 day cycle. A year cycles through four seasons. Life even has a full cycle of birth to death. The length of each of these is varying under the constructs of time, but every full cycle allows a completion of sorts. Each part of the cycle offers something different that allows the entirety of the circle to be completed. A cycle, however long it may be, allows a process to unfold, to take what was and turn it into what is. Every part matters. It all comes together to complete the whole, and then it happens again... allowing for progression, even if part of that cycle may not appear that way at the time. -Live the Legend /Chelsea Dinsmore

In March 2016 I was on the Go Bus heading to visit a friend when I began to have a conversation with the bus driver and he began to share his love for history museums and told me that I had to go to Chatham to a museum in Buxton, Ontario. Now I heard his voice as he spoke but I also heard the audible voice of God telling me I needed to go to Buxton to the museum there because He had something there for me. So I shared this with my husband Wayne and we decided that we would make the trip for our anniversary and take our children along so they could benefit from the experience as well.

So last year on the May 14-15 long weekend we drove to Buxton, Ontario. Now the Buxton Nation Historic Museum is situated on The Elgin Settlement, a tiny town of roughly 200 people near Chatham, was once home to one of the province’s largest historic black settlements to be developed in Canada.  We took the tour and our guide shared with us not just the information about the settlement but also many facts about slavery in Canada and the USA. My family was deeply impacted by the visit as we viewed the many artifacts of slavery that were on display. We continued this journey and decided to go and visit the museum for Uncle Tom’s Cabin which was not too far away in the town of Dresden. This was the settlement that ex slave Josiah Henson lived on and the story was loosely based upon Josiah’s life. It was a great way to spend our anniversary and a healing journey about who we are and what we have overcome as a people.

 So as we were planning our 26^th anniversary this year I had a desire to go to the newly opened African American Museum for History and Culture in Washington DC. I had watched a few interviews that shared about the making of this Museum and I had a longing to see the completed project. So we planned to make the trip but this time we would not take the children with us.

Then in March Wayne bought a Groupon to go on a two day cruise to Bahamas. His plan was for us to extend our trip and do the Museum and then drive to Florida and go on the cruise and head back home during the 4 day long weekend. As we began to plan further we realized that to be able to accomplish the trip successfully in the time that we had allotted that we would have to cancel going to Washington and do that trip another time.

As we began to look for Air plane flights to West Palm Beach the costs were more expensive than the entire cost of the trip including the Cruise.  We struggled with whether we should continue with the plans and I began to pray about why this wasn’t working out like we had planned. Wayne held off on booking the cruise date as after we did that then we would have to forfeit the tickets if we couldn’t arrive in time.

In prayer I felt God reminding me of His message to us the previous year about timing.  Every year we do a vision board and last year our vision board was covered with watches and clocks. God was speaking to us about timing. I felt that the problem with why we were unable to figure out the trip was timing. We were trying to make it happen in the timing and that was why we were having all the difficulty. I shared this with Wayne and eventually he decided that we would hold off doing the cruise till another time and we would go to Washington instead.

Now on Mother’s day at our church we had special speaker the co-founder of the church Pastor Carin came to share the message. The title of her message was Transition to Triumph. It was very powerful and spoke to my heart.  She also had a private message for me about there being no more generational disturbance.

So the following week we set out to drive to the Museum. As all Smithsonian Museums are free we didn’t realize that you need to get pre timed tickets to get into this museum. They had already had over 1 million visitors and been sold out since it opened in September 2016 of last year. They only way to get tickets is to check at 6:30am every morning to see if they have any timed released passes.

The drive to Washington was 8 hours in length and we were having a great conversation and for some reason when I looked at the clock it was Saturday morning at 7am. I got online to try to get some passes and they were sold out. We decided to check into our hotel when we arrived and then just head to the National Mall and check out the area for tomorrow and then go and have dinner.

We arrived and found a parking space while the hundreds of people were exiting the now closed Museum. We spoke to one of the security officers and he told us that sometimes they release tickets at 1pm if they have not reached their maximum capacity. We walked around for a while longer just to familiarize ourselves so we could know where to park and come the following day. We left and went to a nice little restaurant for dinner and then went back to the hotel.

The next morning we awoke early and checked online at 6:30 am to see that they had no timed passes. We were disappointed but somehow I knew that we were going to get in. So we planned to go to the museum and see if they released tickets at 1pm. We arrived after our GPS took us on a little detour and right there as we came on to Constitution Ave. was a parking space as someone was pulling out. A driver told us later that because of the Graduation commencement ceremonies that were taking place on the hill that she had been driving around to find a parking space for a full hour. We arrived at about 10:30 am and Wayne had to go to the bathroom. I told him I would meet him at the bathroom because I had to pack some snacks. After I put the snacks in the bag, I headed across the mall in the direction that Wayne set off for. I arrived at the side of the men’s bathroom and waited outside for him to come out for 15 minutes. Then I heard my name in the opposite direction and there was Wayne near the car waving me to come. I don’t know how he passed me but we had missed each other. We laughed about how that happened then decided we would head to the museum early to clarify how we could get tickets. We arrived to see a long line of people ready to enter for the 11am timeslot. Our plan was to stay in the line till we got to the front and ask when and where do they release the tickets. As we were in the line one of the ticket ushers came up to us to ask us if we had tickets as we were about to answer him a lady beside us intuitively asked if we had tickets because she wanted to give us 2 tickets as she had a few people cancel on her. As Wayne kept thanking her for her generosity she kept apologizing that they were for 12:30pm. So next we asked the usher if we had to wait and he said no we could go right in and then the line began to move and the next thing we knew we were inside the museum.

As we entered the museum Wayne kept saying “how does God do that?” he was amazed that the woman had just came up to us and handed us tickets. He also asked me how I knew we would get in. I told him that God would not bring us this far and not let us come in. I knew we were supposed to come.

So the museum was amazing, we experienced so much while we were there. I don’t want to share too much as not to ruin it for others that may visit. We received emotional and spiritual healing while we were there and we also came away with inspiration and hope for our future. The highlight for me was the creativity and excellence of the museum- it was very interactive and had special meaning for me. When you go in the elevator on the wall they show you what year you are arriving at and you literally begin to think “I am going back in time”. We traveled back into our generational lineage and healing began as we came forward in time to see the struggle and the fight and the victory. If we can begin to understand what we have overcome against all odds to rise above every adverse situation, to arrive at the place we are right now, that is powerful and life changing.

In the circular room of contemplation there is an amazing waterfall and the sound with the lights and the sayings on the walls spoke to me to take a moment and reflect and be still and listen. Here I heard that it was all about freedom. It was about freedom for the people of color, first nations, Jewish descent and every being that has every taken a breath. Gods desire was for us to understand true freedom.

So after 6 hours of exploration we exited the building and lingered with all the others that were on a similar journey as ours. Outside there were street vendor trucks and Wayne went to get himself a shawarma sandwich to eat as I sat on the wall waiting, as I wanted to wait until we went out for dinner. When he returned he gave it to me to take a bite and I told him that it was falafel and not shawarma. He returned to tell the vendor and due to the mistake he gave him the sandwich which became my dinner. This is significant because what happened next may have been different if I hadn’t eaten before hand.

So we headed back to the direction of our parked vehicle. I wanted to go to the right and Wayne was certain that the car was to the left of the Lincoln monument. So as a compromise we decided to go over the hill in the middle and see which way the car was parked. As we came over the hill there in plain view was a Tent called David’s Tent. It was a 24/7 prayer house that had been established in 2015 on Washington National Mall as the longest running outdoor event in history.  This was another surprise from God. That morning Wayne had asked me if I wanted to find a church in Washington to go to and I told him no going to the museum was our focus. But I love to worship and this is the type of music that moves me. We grabbed two seats at the back of the tent in case we needed to sneak away. As the musicians played softly the speaker on the mike shared about all the miraculous things that were happening for their YWAM base. He challenged us to embrace change and the message was exactly what we needed to hear, it was sharing and not a preach message and as we listened a couple that obviously were visitors arrived and put two chairs beside us and sat down. Then the worship music began and I couldn’t contain myself as there was a field of grass for me to dance on. I let loose dancing on Washington National mall and people began to come and take pictures and video to figure out what was happening. I was just thanking God in the one way I knew how for everything He had brought me through and brought me to. Wayne had begun talking to the gentleman that was seated next to him. After about 45 minutes he called me over and said that this couple had come all the way from UK and that God had told them to go to David’s Tent at 5pm that Sunday.  This man was a business man and his business partner from UK that had come to New York and Washington on a mission. They felt that they were to pray and prophesy over us. The words that came next were very prophetic in nature and were answers to us about our time of transition and all the questions we had been asking God while on this trip. Wayne received encouragement and instruction and even had a declaration over us which we received knowing who are called to be. We were stunned, this couple didn’t even go to this gathering, they came all the way from United Kingdom to release a message for us. It was about the generational disturbance being silenced in our lives and us being able to move forward. It was important that they be of UK descent as this is where for us the laws of slavery were established and abolished. Wayne heard from God “I am my Beloved and He is mine” to this business man. So there a was a holy exchange that occurred as Wayne obeyed.

that he was to give his ring from Israel that he has not taken off since 2008 that says

Before we left David’s Tent one of the members of the congregation brought another word of confirmation over us that we were in Transition. Oddly enough the name of the company that Wayne is presently working with is Transition. This was a clear message to us that God was trying to speak to us about where we have been and where we are going. A cycle was about to come to completion.

All the way home we marveled at the orchestration of the entire trip. We were called to go to Washington. The message of being at the right place at the right time was screaming at us. When we released our plans and chose to go His way it worked out better than we could have ever imagine. The woman that was with the gentleman kept speaking the words “ For such a time as this” which was in the original message on Mothers day Sunday by pastor Carin about Queen Esther and her purpose.  The trip, the Museum, the way we found David’s Tent all of it was God directing us. We were on a journey from transition to triumph.

Safe Passage

2 days and 2 sessions planned in the beginning of June a corporate gathering to the place of  Alliston. We would journey there thinking when we walked through the door that we had arrived when in truth the journey had just begun.

As the person at the top of the circle thanked and honored the very ground we were situated on as First nations land my heart began to open up. Then she started the two-way conversation with Inventory time.  Who am I? what do I do?  and what was I feeling? Think, think, feel. Charmaine is ...“more than just a Doula “and  I felt that I was right where I was supposed to be at that very moment in my life. What a lofty statement.

First impressions count, here was a woman so large that her words were like an ocean being dropped into your cup of water, that was how my spirit encountered her, I decide to make a choice to sit in these sessions as a student and learn.  I also felt each person in the room as they too shared what they felt. It became a corporate feeling of oneness for me. I began to let go of predetermined assumptions, continuing to let go for the next 33 hours. But I acknowledged that I am… the only woman of color in the room.

No agenda letting it flow and parking questions so we can continue until the time we arrive. This mastery would keep us on schedule.

 As we continued to unpack the word “trauma” we each softly embraced that each of us was somehow affected in a unique  way. Beginning now to look inward to see where the pain was originating from and where it was seated.  My senses were so heightened that even the smell of cinnamon drew my attention away. I thanked someone out loud for the break, just a moment to breathe.

Where are you carrying the effects of your abuse in your body for surely you have embodied it.  But no I  had already danced it out- let it go and allowed  my new cellular normal to begin to create my future.

I was a new creation but I would walk this weekend in vulnerable transparency to the truth of my past and the strength of my present and the many questions of my tomorrow. Hoping and praying that the one continual tear that constantly fell from my left eye was a state of healing not just for me but for humanity.

Till the words emerged “I am not like my mother”. It vibrated in me like a Chinese gong so loud that I could not only hear it but I also felt it at my very core- I had made a declaration against my heritage and was now on a trajectory that was leading me to begin to receive that which I had rejected that not only belonged to me but that I needed for this next phase on my pathway. I was the best of my mom and the worst of my mother and the process of working this out was happening in the confines of my Doula work.

 Though the experience of trauma is in the eye of the beholder we are called to harm reduction and yet I could see the many ways that I had somehow participated in re-injuring , re-opening, re-traumatizing other peoples old scars to become new wounds. Realizing that the very organizations that we as health and welfare care providers work for are sometimes the perpetrators of re-offending an individual in their most vulnerable moment. This was breaking my heart.

But in the stretch we would sit in a dark enclosed theater and see the view of the world and the ignorance of our growth and how it still affected people today. Marginalized, stigmatized, immobilized, criticized, I can’t breathe. This is not just them this is me.

She asks me what do I need? I need to continue and allow empathy to guide. So I carry on.

Bringing the bananas seemed like such a powerless action and I struggled to find out if there was more in my bag of tools that could possibly replace this as it did not seem like enough to me.

My checkbox of adverse childhood experiences was so sad-10 out of 10 a perfect score that should have rendered me unhealthy, but God… Thankful for the resilience that became apart of my DNA and the trauma informed therapy I received through dancing with God across the world. I am a living testament that change can happen and that your past though it may limit your privileges does not have to predetermine your future. More tears so hard my head hurts.  A little Frankincense a little Myrrh essential oil applied – I begin to vibrate at a higher frequency. I say a little prayer.

As she moved from slide to slide sharing her years of knowledge and increased wisdom she had gained over the years I was triggered and it felt like at one of the deepest levels of my being layers were being pulled back and the raw, real, honest truth was being exposed. I was exposed, un-robed, naked and vulnerable and I was truly still feeling safe. This was a safe space and there was room for even me. So I leaned in a bit deeper and let the pain rise to the surface. Not really knowing what to-do next but just sit in it…  I began to remember the feeling and never relenting work of 49 years of surviving. A lump developed in my throat and I struggled to swallow without letting the sobs escape.

As we ended the first day I committed to stay in the hot loneliness of this pain and let it transform and enlighten me. As I hugged the speaker just needing someone to release what I was experiencing she thanked me and gave permission for me to do the work.

This was about birth or was it really? Maybe it was more about death, death of judgments, assumptions, otherness, labels, and more. Or maybe they are one in the same.

As I came to the end of myself I also came to so many questions. If I am not here to solve anything then why I am I here? To just hold space for someone else to find the answer. I know I am no ones  saviour so then why do I feel like I have this need to save people? Where does God and spirituality fit into this as this is a big part of my world. When I mess up as I know I will because birth is inherently unpredictable and I can’t possibly prepare for every scenario, what do I do next to minimize the fallout. What about her?

Laughter is the only thing that sometimes eases the pressure, without taking away the painful truth. So I laugh, really hard, over and over and over. Then I rest.

A new day. Yesterday was sunny and full of sunshine, today is stormy and full of rain. But we must take every situation as good, letting them bring balance to our life and our world.

Inventory time where am I today- still feeling like I am exactly where I need to be at this moment in my life.

Am I the first person you have told this to and if not how did they respond? Most likely I many times will be a first responder to their traumatic story that to them may seem normal, because for me Orange is the new Black as they say.

My body speaks and what is it saying? I am cold and need a blanket to wrap myself up. Maybe I am not feeling so safe today.  More information via a story but I shut down and don’t listen as it is too painful a reminder of the work I do and the vicarious trauma I experience.  So, I eat. Eat chocolate my go to fix it food, Comfort sets in as my sugar levels rise.

Then I purpose again to stay present to the moment and focus on each task, putting the distractions away, again leaning into the discomfort.

 We begin to discuss what safe means and how to build trust. Wow this was the themes of almost every therapy session I have ever attended. I have the answers but is it enough? Am I safe? can I trust? How can I help others at risk to trust me if this question still lingers?

I begin to mindfully replay the many stories I have witnessed, personal and professionally. I am intentionally uncomfortable trying to feel the impact of how these have shaped my perception and responses.  Why have I left out the impact that my childhood sexual abuse had on my pregnancies out of my recently written book about my five births and how do I unpack what that would look like to not leave out that aspect of my experience?

As we worked in groups I get to connect with some of the most caring professional care givers in many different birth contexts such as, labor and delivery nurses, midwives, doulas, massage therapists, childbirth educators, social worker and a spiritual Psychotherapist. But I don’t see them through this lens, I begin to see their inward hearts. Wow now my heart is overflowing. Love has a unique way of sneaking in. Now that constant tear is streaming out of just my left eye like a signal that I a not in control even of my natural body functions. As I brush it away I am fully aware that the significance is very important and that I can not take what is happening lightly.

After a lunch of comfort soup,  I carry my blanket and wrap myself up and am excited that they have provided play dough for us to relieve stress. For me it released my creativity as I always hear better when I am in creation mode. Seemingly preoccupied I use the soft pliable green dough to make a caterpillar, butterfly, tree, pregnant woman, cradled baby, flower and few more shapes, but in reality I am hearing at a whole new level. I begin to feel free and even smile and chuckle out loud.

Again with each slide shared I am looking to continue in student mode and find at least one thing that is new to me and write it down, I also contribute some of my experiences and questions and begin to feel a new confidence that the previous work I have done with survivors is very similar to pregnant women going through this.

The rain has now stopped and the sun has begun to peak through the clouds and the unnatural lights we turned on are no longer needed. We are sitting in the light. And for some strange reason I no longer feel cold. No blanket necessary.

Another phrase to add to my vocabulary is “It all depends”. Which says that each situation will need to be assessed with its own criteria and then evaluated as to the best practice for that specific desired outcome. This means there is no one set answer for each situation.

I also say again that I am more than “just a Doula” as I hear another person use these words to describe the power dynamics between health care professionals and Doulas.

Girl… that’s rough. That’s where I come from and who I am. Cultural relevancy is my answer as many of the talk we use would be fake and seem unreal to me or my clients. Each need to find the space they are called to. Urban behavior is what I know. So I go to the urban dictionary. Yet my mind translates all the correct lingo and language so the output is in essence the same.

Grounding exercises I have been trying to stay grounded the entire weekend, tapping my knees, breathing deeply, focus, focus, focus. Not just an exercise but a way to survive and thrive.

And last but most importantly the repetitious teaching of self care and preservation. In this work and all work that involves humans and the reality of their existence and the pain of their encounters is the need to consistently put on your breathing mask before helping anyone else. I have let this become essential to my lifestyle, not a luxury but a necessity.

My stone is to bear witness that I was here and that when I forget I will remember that I began this good work and someone else will be faithful to finish it. The time of our collective energy had come to an end.

After the good byes and on the car ride home we drive through a rain shower and both the rain and the sun are simultaneously occurring. I remember that you have to see both as good and let them create for you … oh my word it’s a rainbow draped across the sky! I scream like a little girl so loud I startle the other her in the car. Rainbows speak of promises to me. They symbolize every journey I have ever taken. A sign from God that I am on the right path. I scream and cry and am so grateful for this moment in time.

It has been a safe passage. Thank you.

Charmaine Hinds June 2017